


Catharsis

by Fuguestate



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1996-11-05
Updated: 1996-11-05
Packaged: 2017-10-10 07:41:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/97295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuguestate/pseuds/Fuguestate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The aftermath of the episode, "The Begotten".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Catharsis

He was standing at one of the viewports on the second level of the Promenade, looking out. It was late, and only a few people were still around.  No one disturbed him as he gazed at nothing in particular; something in his attitude suggested he might not have noticed if they had tried.  He stood absolutely motionless in the way only he could, completely alone despite the passers-by.

Gradually, he became aware of a presence near him, one that didn't simply register his own presence and move on.  He turned, slowly.

"Yes, Major?"

Major Kira stood perhaps three meters from him.  At his acknowledgement, she moved closer.  Despite the hour, she was still in uniform.  There was a tightness in her posture that looked like it had been there for a while; another difficult day, then.  Realizing this, he was both touched and disturbed at the concern he saw in her expression.  He was slipping; he shouldn't have stayed here.

She hesitated, her expression questioning.  "I...saw you from below," she said quietly, and said nothing further.  It wasn't necessary; the single statement informed him of the extent of his display, and the reason for her being here.  He immediately felt shame at his weakness, but drew himself up in spite of it.

"Do you want to be alone?" she asked, still quiet, surprising him.

He looked at her for a moment and then surprised himself.  "No," he said, just as quietly.

Together they made their way to a turbolift and headed for the Habitat Ring.  He was struck at one point with the oddity of this particular situation--not knowing why, he still did nothing to stop it.

They entered Kira's quarters, and she gestured for him to sit while she went to the replicator.  They both behaved as though they had done this countless times before although this was, in fact, the first time Kira had brought Odo to her quarters.  Kira retrieved a cup of ginger tea, sat on the other end of the couch from him, and waited.

Odo sat not-quite-ramrod-straight with his hands folded in front of him, looking down into the in-beween space that had captured him earlier.  He was grateful for what Kira had done--or, more to the point, not done. She hadn't asked him what was wrong, hadn't tried to solve his problems as some might have done. 

He remained still, becoming a part of the silence.  In his own quarters, and out on the Promenade, his silence had been a lonely, empty thing. Here, though, he was comforted by it, knowing there was at least someone else within it.

Kira finished her tea and lay her cup gently on the table in front of the couch.  The motion caused Odo to look up at her.  He hadn't realized he had been sitting like this for so long.

"I'm sorry," he started to say.

Kira shook her head in dismissal.  "It's all right.  Feeling better?"

"I don't know,"  he said, suddenly aware that he didn't. Everything seemed dulled somehow, and he no longer knew quite how to feel.  It was almost like he had felt when he had been made human.  His awareness had seemed so blunted...

Until he had been restored to his true nature.

Kira had moved to sit beside him; when, he didn't know. Her eyes were calm, accepting.  "It's all right," she said again, and put her arm around his shoulders.  With her free hand she reached to cover his, which had clenched tightly in his lap.

It was like a dam suddenly broke inside him.  All at once, the events of these past few months came rushing in to crush him, beginning with the death of the Changeling infant he had adopted.  That infant had been the only link he could hope to have with his people, and it, like so many other things in his life, had been torn from him.  He had been prepared to devote his life to the care of the child he had claimed as his own; there was so much he had wanted to share, so much he was going to do to make his child happy the way he had never been, and now...he was alone again.  Not even the infant's final gift to him, the restoration of his shape-changing ability, could erase the pain Odo felt at this loss.

And he couldn't tell anyone of it.  None of his friends would have understood even if he had tried to express his feelings.  None of them could understand what it was to be this alone, unique among those who had raised him and even among his own people.

His people....The ones who had tried to destroy the few friends he had; who expected him to embrace their tenets without a moment's hesitation; who judged him "damaged" by his experiences among Solids for refusing to do so and who abandoned him yet a second time by making him one of the very people they hated.  Again and again he found himself reaching for things that should have been within his grasp, only to be thrown to the ground in pain for his efforts--

His form was slipping, and for once he did not care.  Let it, he thought--nothing mattered now; not his precisely maintained facades, not what anyone thought of him or even what he thought of himself.  He felt the world crashing in on him, and he welcomed the release it promised.

He dissolved into his true state, writhing with the emotions tearing through him.  A sound shrieked through his awareness that he only vaguely realized he was making.  All the anger and despair he had kept pent up for so long was freed, and he let it take him where it willed. Kira, this room, his own identity ceased to matter for some time as the anguish poured down on him.

*****************************************

He came to himself slowly. It was quiet, and he lay amidst a number of different objects and textures.  With an unusual lethargy borne of exhaustion, he took in his surroundings.  He was on the floor, near a table that was unfamiliar for a few seconds.  Then he remembered--her table.  He was in Kira's quarters.  Another, softer texture revealed itself to be a blanket, and a soft, steady soughing of air resolved into the sound of breathing.  Kira was lying beside him, asleep.  For a moment he feared he had hurt her in his blind rage and he focused his senses on her condition.  Her breathing was regular, though, her face was peaceful, and he could detect nothing untoward.

As though aware she was being observed, Kira slowly opened her eyes.  He remained still, unsure what to do.  Her hand crept from beneath the blanket toward him.

"Odo?"

He drew up to form his customary uniformed humanoid shape, seated before her as she sat up as well.  She sat, still uniformed herself, and leaned back against the couch, regarding him calmly.  A thought occurred to him.

"You knew."

She nodded, shifting slightly. "I've seen a lot of people with the look you had last night."  Her look was one of understanding, with the weight of too many years' pain behind it.  "Some of them never made it past that point."  Her gaze dropped for a moment as she remembered, then returned to meet his.

Odo looked briefly about them, uncomfortably aware that he could not remember the events of the past several hours.  To his horror, he saw that a nearby table and its contents had been completely splintered, as well as a chair on the opposite end of the room.  There was a noticeable dent in the doorway to her bedroom, and everywhere the furniture was in terrible disarray.  Despair threatened to close in on him again as he realized what he had done.  She was lucky he hadn't hurt her, or worse...

"Shhh, don't..."  He felt her hand on his arm, gentle, and at once a memory of the previous night surfaced.  She had held him.  When he had worn himself out and lay in the midst of the wreckage, she had come to him, laying herself down beside him.  He remembered her soft sounds of reassurance, and the way her hand had felt as she gathered him to her. He had been far to exhausted to consider objecting, or to even fully understand what was happening.  Her warmth had eased his turmoil, and he had allowed his consciousness to fade into peaceful oblivion.

Her hand had not moved from his arm.  Deliberately, he relaxed his posture.  All of that was past, now, and he had caused enough problems. His concern for her abruptly reasserted itself.  "I didn't--hurt you?" he asked hesitantly.

"No.  I stayed clear, don't worry."  He looked down again, pained, and she leaned forward to try and make him look at her.  "Odo, it's all right.  You needed this."

He was shaking his head remorsefully, still consumed by guilt at the damage he had done.  She sat considering him for a moment.  "It's funny," she mused quietly.  "We get so used to you being the one in control of his emotions, I think sometimes we forget you have them."

He looked up uncertainly, startled at last into meeting her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Odo.  We should have been there for you more...I should have been there for you."  She gave a laugh that had nothing to do with amusement.  "You've been--exiled by your people, you've been changed into a Solid, you've lost a baby, and where was I?  I think the only thing I've done right at this point is walking through the Promenade when I did last night."  She reached down to take his hand in hers.

Odo couldn't look at her any more; too much had happened this past night, and he was feeling its impact.  Distractedly he noticed her reaching out to steady him as he rocked forward, and he found himself being pulled to rest against her.  He made a last, weak protest, not wanting to burden her any further.  "I have to go on duty--"

"No, you don't.  We're both off-duty today."

"How--?"

"While you...rested..."

"Ah," he sighed.  Then, almost inaudibly, he whispered, "...thank you..."

"Don't worry about it," she murmured.  She moved a little to hold him closer. "Just this once, Odo, let us watch out for you.  We'll work on getting all this put back together tomorrow."

He lay still as her hand came to rest in his hair. 

 

Tomorrow, then.

 

_\- Fin -_


End file.
